Grumpy Gills. Yes, I nicknamed a grown man Grumpy Gills. Trust me. If you met him, you would understand. He’s still listed in my phone as that, though we will never speak again. That makes me sad, but ironically I don’t blame him for making that decision. Of course he was the one to make that decision. When I’m cut-off from someone, it was never me that made that choice. Grumpy Gills was no different.
GG was completely unexpected, and totally unplanned. I didn’t seek him out for revenge, to get even, or to make Mimsy jealous. I swear it just happened. To be transparent, GG is Mimsy’s best-friend. They’ve been best friends for years. I had met GG many times before, and we had actually had some pretty meaningful conversations. They were typically about self-harm and mental illness, as he was incredibly familiar with my issues. He used to self-harm as well, but turned to tattooing himself instead. I respected the hell out of that. Turning something tragic into a beautiful piece of art is admirable, and I envied that he had that capability. While me and GG weren’t close, that immediately bonded me to him. Having similar backgrounds made me feel closer to him, something that Mimsy could never understand. While I was too busy being blinded by Mimsy, GG was lurking in the background.
After the absolute clusterfuck with Mimsy happened, I was a train wreck. Everyday was a struggle to get out of bed. I just wanted him back in my life, but knew that it probably would never happen. That made everything worse, and I just wanted a distraction. I can’t remember how it started, but I eventually reached out to GG. I wanted to talk to him about Mimsy, and get his feedback about the situation. GG is painfully blunt and tells it like it is. While it hurt me, I needed the honesty. We were talking on the regular, and it was nice to have someone present again. He was a shoulder to cry on, and he was cute to boot.
One day I went to Costco to get gas, and we happened to run into each other. When I saw him, my heart started racing. I was completely caught off guard, and was surprised by my reaction to seeing him. I knew what it meant though. Goddammit, I was crushing on Grumpy Gills! I knew that Mimsy would think I was doing this to get back at him, or ruin their friendship. I swear on my little brother’s life that was not the case. I just saw an adorable little man that paid attention to me, and I wanted him to stay in my life.
I don’t know what possessed me. Perhaps it was loneliness, or perhaps it was a case of the fuck-its. But I immediately texted him after Costco and said hey cutey, we would be adorable together. He agreed, but of course it was complicated. He claimed to have just gotten out of a relationship that was highly toxic, and that he was still in love with her. Me being me, I was fine on the back burner. As long as he paid attention to me, I was satisfied.
GG didn’t care that I was gaining weight, wasn’t girly, or loved wearing men’s clothes around the house. He liked me for me. Now did he love me? Absolutely not. I knew he cared, but not on the level that I cared for him. That’s how it always works out for me. I was fine as long as he showed affection, and as long as I could see him occasionally. Eventually though, it wasn’t enough for me. I wanted him just for me, and I wanted all his time. He couldn’t do that, and I became upset.
The more upset I got, the more he backed away. Eventually he flat out ignored me for two weeks. I was heartbroken and confused. Then one day, I checked his Snapchat story. He never posted, so I was surprised to see it. It was a story of him being filmed by his ex-girlfriend, and the caption said something along the lines of, “teaching the boyfriend how to sew.” I naturally freaked out, and messaged him immediately. The girlfriend responded, and I told her everything. How he had promised they weren’t together, we had been talking around for seven months, and that I had just recently seen him two weeks ago. The girlfriend threatened to beat me up and said a bunch of stupid things a child would say, which was quite embarrassing for her considering her age and being a mother.
GG eventually took his phone back and made it clear he would no longer talk to me anymore. He said I was needy, got too attached, and relied too heavily on him. He loved her, and not me. It didn’t matter how I felt, as whatever we were was over.
I went out to a bar that night, got pretty drunk, and am almost positive I cut. I cried quite a bit, and just felt empty. There went another one. How come I always came in second place? Why did nobody ever choose me? What was so wrong with me that he would go back to an abusive piece of garbage instead of stay with me? I had no answers, and had completely given up on ever being happy with anyone. Of course, that wasn’t before I sent Mimsy a message stating that me and GG had been somewhat of a thing for months and that GG kept it a secret from him. That was the only thing that made me crack a smile. It was dumb and childish, but I needed something to feel better. Anything to feel better at that point.