If you’ve never been this tired before, then I can’t explain it to you. I simply don’t have the words anymore, but I don’t think they existed in the first place. So why bother writing? I still exist, therefore I must attempt.
Have you ever felt an ache so deep in your bones that you feared you had somehow cracked them all? As you move, it kind of feels like Dollar Store tape is holding you together. Duct tape would be an upgrade but insurance doesn’t cover that.
Have you ever been exhausted after getting a full nine hours of sleep the night before? Perhaps it was the night terrors that prevented your body from recovering. Your particular favorite is the spider crawling on your chest, or the next best option is the demon chasing you around your room. Even if you woke up in the identical position you had fallen asleep in and no demons terrorized you, perhaps it was the internal manifestation of every trauma you have ever lived through working itself out in your dreams. Calling them nightmares is an insult to nightmares. Even while sleeping you are somehow conscious enough to realize what is happening, yet you have no control over the narrative. You get to watch just how creative the mind can be when it gets ahold of trauma through dreams. The lesson? The demon will always catch you.
Have you ever avoided going to bed despite your body physically shutting down? You nerves scream in pain, your thought process slows down, limbs become heavy. Everything becomes foggy, your lids become heavy, and eventually the evolutionary necessity for sleep will hit you like a freight train. Where did we go so wrong in the process that it no longer provides any comfort? Where is the relief? It isn’t like the waking hours are any better, but the narrative is easier to control within the conscious mind.
If I stay awake, it will hurt. If I go to sleep, I won’t rest. No matter what route I take, nothing helps. I feel a crushing weight that surrounds me like an external force.
Please just let me rest. I don’t know how much longer I can be this tired.