Your constant and unwavering need to prove yourself will be our downfall. You had so many chances to bow out and you took none of them. Would they have been graceful? No. Would they have hurt? Yes. But would they have given you peace? Absolutely. What are we left with now? Absolutely nothing and that nugget of truth is killing you more than we ever could have. Perhaps that truth is causing you the most pain you have ever felt in your life and you have nobody to blame but yourself. I hate you for that.
For the life of me, I cannot figure out why you tried again. A part of you knew, or at least the rest of us did, that it would end in failure like it had before. You tried, tried, and tried again, and for what? You have absolutely nothing to show for your efforts. Congratulations, you grew as a person. You explored your personal world and understand a small part of the inner workings that is your brain. Where has that gotten you? I don’t see the masses gathering around you for your infinite wisdom. You are ironically in a worse off position than you were before. You have gained the respect of no one around you, and on the off-chance you have they do not show it or it counts for nothing. You have gained knowledge, experience, and years yet somehow remain in the exact same position you found yourself in years ago. Despite this, you are more lonely now than you ever were before. Why did everyone leave? Silly little girl, we told you before why everyone would eventually leave you. You. Are. Not. Worth. It. You do not belong here, you never did, and your date of expiration is long overdue.
We came into this world with a date to leave and for whatever reason, you said a giant fuck you to that date and kept moving forward. No matter how hard we tried to get you to leave, you absolutely refused. We can’t even attempt to number the times we have attempted to kill you. The pills. The blades. Drowning when you’re an excellent swimmer. Alcohol. Drugs. Reckless driving. Stupid decisions alone at night. It is probably in the dozens and all we have to show for it are hundreds of thousands of scars, incurable disabilities, injuries for days, and a never-ending mountain of pain that we must climb up every day. The pain increases every year you get older, but you knew that would happen. We told you when you were little that it would not get better, yet you fought our message. Instead, you chose to listen to people that never took an interest in you and have no idea how you work. One of your fatal mistakes is assuming their mantras, their codes, and their lives would apply to you in any way. They told you it would get better because it got better for them. Who the hell said it would get better for you? We told you so many times to stop and listen. It would not and will not get better. You will be alone. You will exist in a constant state of fear, pain, anxiety, depression, and on your best days, you would feel absolutely nothing. We know you better than yourself and yet you still didn’t listen. At 27, do you get it now? Did it ever get better for you?
Look at how hard you have to try and keep up just to exist in a basic state of humanity. Look at how much effort goes into not breaking everything around you while everyone else passes by. Look at everyone around you getting what you want so effortlessly. Have some of them struggled? Of course. Have some of them waited? Naturally. Have some of them fought tooth and nail for what they have? Yes and I recognize that. But you, you, you, and more you. You compare yourself to everyone you have ever met and you have yet to see someone who struggles in a similar manner. Why are they not lonely like you are? Why are they not in pain? Why do they have family and friends that love them? Why do they have careers? Why do people want to be around them? We have told you this before and we hope you get it now. You’re different in a way that can’t be resolved. You keep searching for your people as if you’re going to find them, as if you’re going to stumble into a patch of wooded area and suddenly a group of people that look just like you will emerge and suddenly everything will make sense. That will never happen. You think moving states will help you and it won’t. You think moving to a different institution will help and it won’t. You think moving to a different population will help and it won’t. The common denominator in every situation you have ever been in is you. You have spent 27 years trying to fix yourself and that is what we have been telling you for so long. We cannot fix you. We cannot help you. You do not belong here and we tried to release you from this world before you ever had to come to that realization. Now we are here, way past our expiration date, and you realize now what you didn’t before. It sucks, doesn’t it?
You should have let the alcoholism run you into the ground and you are a goddamn fool for altering course. We gave you an out and you didn’t take it. Not even we can fix this and there are no more options. We hate you for this and so do you.