Void

I want out goddammit. I’m trapped in a cage and there is pressure from all sides. “Do the right thing.””We want the old Lauren back.” “You’ll feel so much better once you’re done.” Done, you say? You think there’s such thing as being done with this? I’ve been doing what I was designed to do. What I was built to do. What I was born to do. Trying to stop the inevitable is pointless on your part. Nature will take its course, and the behaviors that occur so effortlessly will rear their ugly heads no matter what you do. I’m just embracing it, because why fight fate?

“You’ll die if you don’t.” “You’re hurting everyone around you.” “Aren’t you tired of all of this?” Spoiler alert, I don’t give a shit about you. So jot that down in your fucking notebook. I don’t even give a shit about me, so who cares if I’m dying? You’ll grieve for a brief period of time, and then voila. You’ll all move on with your lives as if I never existed. These are the facts of life people, accept it. While yes I am tired of all this, who is to say that it’s better on the other side? Sobriety in all of its glory and splendor! I’ve got one word for you: boring. What do sober people even do? Do they knit in a circle together on Sundays after church? Sign me up never please.

“You hurt your little brother.” “Your liver is enlarged and fatty.” “Your body can’t take much more abuse.” First of all, my little brother is a spoiled, selfish little brat who only cares about himself. So suck on that Max. Considering my lineage, I am genetically designed to endure way more than what I’ve done so far, so lets shift this bitch into maximum overdrive. My Irish ancestors are weeping tears of whiskey in their graves. Too bad I hate whiskey.

Changing my entire way of living with no guarantee that it’s better on the other side seems like a really dumb idea. Yeah, I have nothing really to lose so I might as well try it is valid, but it does come at a cost. A significant break from work and absolute torture from my boss. Financial strain and a burden on friends for watching my cats. Completely out of my comfort zone being away from home and having to live among others for a month while I try and get my shit together. But I think the biggest cost is extremely personal. I have to look at myself and decide if I really think I’m worth it. If I remove substances, even out on medication, and start dealing with my issues…. will I still hate myself? I guess we will find out.

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