Deprivation

It’s 8:00AM. The cats have woken me up and I immediately feel the stiffness. I stretch in bed, pain shooting throughout every nerve ending in my system. The daily routine. Despite getting a whopping 12 hours of sleep courtesy of depression and a lack of purpose in life, the fatigue sets in. I know what you’re thinking. Stop sleeping so damn much and you won’t be tired! Oh my poor ignorant child, you are wrong. You see, I’ve conducted my own experiments. What happens if I get this many hours of sleep? Oh, it hurts that part of my body. What happens if I get more sleep? Oh, it hurts my head. What happens if I get less sleep? Oh, then I’m tired, cranky, and easily annoyed. You see, there is no appropriate amount of sleep where I can avoid this pain and suffering. No matter how many, or how little, hours of sleep I get, there is always a consequence. That consequence follows me around like a love-sick puppy dog. Can somebody throw that dog a bone please?

It’s 9:30AM. I’ve walked to work again, a small miracle that occurs each and every morning. That is the mornings I don’t have to call in sick of course. I avoid the stairs at all costs, saving my knees for the walk home. It’s only one flight, but it will exhaust me. My knees will burst at the seems and sparks will fly. I’m simply not in the mood. I arrive at my desk and prepare myself for the task of sitting in a chair until 5PM. You can do this. Just a few more hours until you can sleep, I say. All I think about is my next course of sleep.

It’s 1:00PM. I’ve answered all my emails, I’ve nipped crises in the butt, and I’ve put out fires. My energy levels are depleted, and my battery has been drained. The life has been sucked out of me in a few short hours, as my reserve of energy was already out to begin with. Lucky for me I have a secret weapon in my back pocket. Or rather, my pill pocket. ADDIE. Recently prescribed and getting me to a natural state of mania, I’m like a fat kid balls deep in a McDonald’s Happy Meal and I’m lovin’ it. It gets me out of bed in the morning. It gets me through my work day. It drags me across the floor to my desk and forces me to type those emails. Addie has got my back, and she is my queen friggin’ B. Love ya girl, you’re my number one bitch.

It’s 4:57PM. It has to be time to go home. Oh goodie, I get to walk back….. or call a Lyft. God I’m lazy. Addie, why did you leave me? We were doing so great together! You wore off about an hour ago, and the anticipation of going home and doing nothing has me extra depressed. Maybe I’ll have a bottle of wine and pass out at seven again. Yeah, that’s living the dream. Maybe I’ll binge Netflix and make it to 8:30 this time. Oh, what a life I live. No matter what, I’ll be forcing myself to stay up out of sheer spite. I will not be that girl that goes to sleep before 9. But I am. Every single day I am because I’m exhausted.

It’s 7:43PM. I’ve fed the cats, I’ve cleaned a tiny bit, and I’ve set myself up for success for the next day. And by success, I mean I packed my wallet in my backpack because I’m too tired to prep my lunch for tomorrow. I had the best intentions when I got home earlier. I wanted to workout, shower, clean, play with the cats, and prep meals. The second I walked through the door I crashed on the couch. I swear I tried to get up. The thought of standing in a shower made me cringe, so I avoided it. The thought of cooking, let alone eating was repulsive. I accomplished nothing, having only went to work that day. Life 1, me 0.

It’s 2:01AM. The first nightmare woke me up, and my mouthguard is uncomfortable. I’m wide awake, and the cats think it’s time to play. I’m staring at the clock, realizing I don’t have much time left to sleep. Especially when I factor in that I’ll have a minimum of two more nightmares in the next six hours. I’m dreading work. I’m dreading the pain. I’m dreading the feeling of pure and utter exhaustion that will greet me in the morning, no matter how well I sleep. The numbers don’t matter anymore. Nothing is making a difference at this point.

It’s 8:00AM. Here we fucking go again.

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