The Shadow

“The shadow, my precious observer. He’s personality number 3, and here is his life.”

Vladimir is a ghost. He’s nothing but a shell of a person. I don’t know why he is a hollow husk of a being, but it is his preference. The quiet, brooding, reserved type. He knows his silence is intimidating, as he has realized he is rarely called forth like the others are. Vladimir is…. different. He’s special. Vladimir is the combined efforts of my night terrors. He is my own personal nightmare come to life, waiting in the background for his moment to strike. What is it that Edward said in Twilight? “You’re my own personal brand of heroin.” Yeah, well Vladimir is my antabuse. Yes I quoted Twilight, stop crying and continue down the rabbit hole.

His presence absolutely smothers me. When he appears, I cannot breathe. His shadow consumes my air, a billow of smoke surrounds him. I can remember a time back when I was a little girl. It was the first time he appeared to me, and he was just a black cloud. The cloud increased in size until I gasped for air, and it felt like the blankets I was under were strangling me. He stayed for a while, but eventually disappeared. When he did disappear, I was grateful. I never wanted to see him again, but I was not so fortunate.

He appears in my most anxious moments. When I had the worst panic attack of my life, he jumped up and down on my chest in the hospital. The black bile spewed from my lips, almost as if it were him I was throwing up instead of stomach contents. Or rather, lack there of. The lack of control was embarrassing, and I had just gotten out of the hospital the previous day. I had been assaulted again, and Vladimir took full advantage of that fact. He knew I was physically weak and emotionally drained, which are his favorites moments to take advantage of. Since my medication has kicked into maximum overdrive and my therapy deals with issues, he seldom has moments. He is often left alone to ponder his next plan of attack.

As you can see, he doesn’t have much of a life. He’s like a vampire hiding in his cave, waiting for the opportune moment to strike out at his victims. Unfortunately, I am the victim. We are not in tandem, not even close to being in-sync. I wish I knew what his purpose was, but I truly have no idea. The only thing I understand about Vladimir is that he is the realization of my nightmares, the manifestation of my fears. My little shadow, my little cloud of smoke. He will consume me eventually, it is just a matter of time.

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