I did it again. Part of me knew it would happen, and part of me was surprised. Sometimes it sneaks up on me, and sometimes I can sense it coming. This time? Maybe I wanted it to happen. Maybe it needed to happen. Who am I kidding, that’s a pathetic justification for my behavior. These explosions are unnecessary. These tantrums are uncalled for, and my behavior is unruly. I’m like a petulant child that doesn’t get her way, and I make sure you pay for it. Ironically, you shouldn’t have to pay for anything. It’s rare that someone deserves one of my tantrums. It typically falls to those that are blameless, as the blame lies entirely with me.
I’ve resorted back to a child-like state. I just want somebody to take care of me. Somebody tell me what to do. I can’t make these decisions anymore, I really can’t. No decision I make is a good one, as clearly everything is falling apart. Who the hell gave me a license to adult? They should be fired immediately. I thought I was doing everything right, but it turns out I was just masking what is wrong. What kills me is that I don’t even know what’s wrong. Why do I get so goddamn upset all the time? Why am I jealous of people that I don’t even want to be like? These are profound questions, and questions I do not have answers for. It’s like I use drinking as an excuse to let the other personalities come out because I want them to let loose.
Four years of therapy has some answers, but we’ve never dived into a topic fully and completely. Too many crises happen, then we get side-tracked and lose focus on the core issues. The fact is, the root of the problem is me. I am the issue. My very being is what causes these problems. How do you change who you are at the core? Please somebody tell me, as I’m starting to lose hope that it’s possible.