Oh bitch you know she’s special, so of course she gets a round two. What can I say, she’s a crucial character in my story of survival. I hope you root for her as much as I do, as she is one tough cookie to have taken care of me for this long. After writing the first part to her story, I realized there was an essential piece of the puzzle missing. Mia does something absolutely incredible that has nothing to do with me, and for the longest time I was convinced I was void of it.
What are we talking about? Compassion. Empathy. Sympathy. Caring. You know, basic human emotions needed for survival. Yes that’s right people, for quite some time I had no idea I possessed these feelings. I convinced myself that I was a robot, and that other people disgusted me to the point of gagging. Don’t get me wrong, that still happens all the time. People are sick. But Mia pops up and has her moments where she cares for others, and she drags me kicking and screaming behind her truck. Yes she drives a truck, she’s practical and wants the space for her exercise equipment. You thought I was going to say kids, didn’t you? Jokes on you, she doesn’t want them. She realizes that this world is far too cruel to bring children into, but alas we are off topic.
Mia, my nurturer, is also what allows me to care for others. People would always say that it feels good to help others. Ha. Not for me it doesn’t. Or at least it didn’t for an incredibly long time. I didn’t care about other people, as my thoughts for the day consumed me. All I cared about is how I was going to make it to see the next sunrise… who am I kidding, I don’t wake up that early. My thoughts, feelings, and concerns were priority number one. Hell, they were my only priority. How does Lauren get through her day without murdering anyone, or killing herself? It’s a struggle, one that has been continuous for years.
The more I’ve evolved and the more Mia becomes present, the more likely I am to go into mom-mode. What I mean is that I am infinitely more tuned into, and not to mention concerned, about the well-being of others. Mia actually gives a damn about my friends and family. She’s the one asking you, “did you eat today?” “How was your day at work?” “Do you need to talk about what’s bothering you?” She’s the one asking those questions, as she wants to help you. She’s the one that will make you breakfast, or go grab you from work if you’re sick. She’s the one that got me to the hospital when my brother was sick. She kept it together and took care of all my boys for an entire weekend. Did little pieces of the other voices slip out? Absolutely. But Mia was there and decided not to leave, because she knew the boys needed her. She knew that I needed her to take over, as having my “mother” there broke me.
The other sides don’t give a shit about anyone else. They love it when I lie, hurt, and manipulate. They feed off of the negative energy these acts provide like a cancer to healthy cells, picking them off one by one. When the others shine through, they go off like a bat out of hell. Want to attack your friend for no damn reason? Go for it. Want to say disgusting things to those you love because you just want to rage? Have at it, the freedom is yours. Want to have a mental breakdown in a public restroom? Please, that is mere child’s play.
Unfortunately Mia is unable to take over during times like that, as she is rarely present when I’m drunk. But the more time goes on, the easier it becomes for her to get through the drunken haze. Her tiny little voice. That comforting, nurturing little voice gets a little louder with each episode. I hope that one day she’s all I will hear, and the others will bow down in fear.