Things were pretty G-rated with Butthead and I for the next few months. Naturally we would sit next to each other and talk in class, but it was all very innocent. Since he was so much older than me, he had stories to tell. He had something I didn’t, which was life experience. He’d been places that I couldn’t even dream of going to, and he had the time of his life. The innocent conversations continued. Topics included music, traveling, and how our group projects were going. That all changed when we took our final exam. He finished before me, with me finishing about ten minutes after him. I was upset that I couldn’t say goodbye, so I reached out on Facebook Messenger. Of course he responded immediately. That was a complete and total game changer. My interest and confidence spiked, and I was quickly ready to play the game that he was about to set forth.
It started out innocent enough, but it escalated into some serious flirting. We talked all day everyday, and I was devouring the attention like a fat kid set loose in an ice-cream shop. I had never had a man pay attention to me before. And when I say man, I mean he was 27 versus me being 19. So yes, it was a man I was dealing with. He expressed what I thought was genuine interest and concern for me, and it was a refreshing change of pace. I kept thinking to myself, how could someone so perfect want anything to do with me? What could he possibly want with me? Well, you can probably guess that what he wanted was a play thing. He wanted a distraction from his mundane existence, which included a wife and a small child. Like I could ever understand his position, I ignored those facts. I wanted the attention, and boy was I getting it.
Soon we were seeing each other frequently. I’m talking several times a week, whenever he could escape the family and work. We continued to talk everyday, and the conversations would get more intense. Relationships, his sham of a marriage, children, childhood. Here was a man that had been through it all giving me the time of day to express myself. I wasn’t in therapy at the time, and I tended to bottle everything up. To release what I was feeling felt amazing, and it made me even more hooked on him. He was my therapist, he was my “boyfriend”, and he was my friend. Basically I assigned him every role possible, and would get horrifically upset when he would let me down. Let me tell you, that was quite frequently.
Since he was already taken, he couldn’t be there every time I needed him. In my sick head I thought it was because he didn’t care enough. That if he wanted to be with me, he would. That was the toddler in me. The toddler side of me couldn’t see that he had a full-time job, school, and hello! A family to spend time with. I was jealous of them to say the least, and sometimes I would show it. He would back away when I did, but he would always come back. One day he didn’t, but we’ll get there.
At this point you’re probably wondering where I’m going with this. Why am I willing to dig into the past from so long ago and bring it to the forefront? Things happened to me during the time I knew Butthead, and people should know. It will not be an excuse for my behavior or the things that I say. But I hope to offer an explanation as to why I am the way I am. This time in my life was crucial to who I am as a person today. Whether I like it or not, he shaped a part of me. This is a story that needs to be heard, and I hope you think so too.