Everything came back like someone crushed the wall to a dam. A flood of memories, nightmares, and pain all came rushing back. My mind is blank, yet filled. My world is black.The air is thick and it’s hard to breathe. It’s like the Earth was tipped over, and it’s contents spilled on the table I sit at. I’m forced to look at what defines me. At what has molded me. At what has broken me. Is it wrong that I made it about me?
My selfish mind went into hyper-mode. It reacted appropriately, yet irrationally. Focus on something else. Literally anything, just pick something. But I can’t. Everything I could have picked seems to be out of reach. The low-hanging fruit rotted to the core, and the taste turns my stomach. Is it wrong that I don’t care?
“You need to take care of yourself,” the therapist says. “You are the priority,” childhood friend says. “Don’t lose your goddamn mind,” I say. Yet it doesn’t matter what anyone says to me. I can feel the storm coming. A hurricane has been brewing, headed straight for me. It will take me down. For how long? I can hope a short while. Realistically, this could be the big one. This is the one that could break me. Is it wrong that I’m excited?